


An Honest to Good Dick Measuring Contest

by StrawhatsAndDelibirds



Category: One Piece
Genre: dick measuring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-25 21:07:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4976563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrawhatsAndDelibirds/pseuds/StrawhatsAndDelibirds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was bound to happen eventually.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Honest to Good Dick Measuring Contest

As far as arguments go, some days were really just so much worse than others. It wasn’t even any of the other Strawhats today. It was just Sanji and Zoro. Today was just one of those days where the two decided that they were in fact not two rational twenty one year old men, but rather two thirteen year old jackasses who wouldn’t give in until they settled on who was the head dick between the two. From dawn to dusk, those two argued. Everything between who could lift more (Zoro), who was faster (Sanji), and who could catch the biggest animal on the island they were on (tie), and pretty well everything in between. Everything had to be some sort of competition and who ever lost had to bitch about it and then it’d escalate into a super stupid argument.

Even now as they were settling down for the night, they refused to stop. Insults were thrown over him about sleepwear choices and he really wasn’t listening to any of it because right now he was trying really hard not to just clunk their heads together and call it a night. He had taken this bunk as his own after seeing how those two acted towards each other back when he joined the crew, but it was times like these where they simply disregarded the fact that he was sleeping there so that they could avoid stupid arguments like this while they were trying to sleep, that he started to rethink this whole sleeping arrangement entirely.

The irritation in the room was reaching a point where it was almost tangible. It looked like someone was going to have to be the adult here before things escalated and things would without a doubt be broken. With an aggravated sigh, he pulled himself out of bed and turned on the lights. He wished he still had the clap activated lights, but it was something that he learned within five minutes of Luffy finding out about them, that they were simply something that could not be had on the ship because the level of maturity needed to have lights like that was simply too much to ask of the crew.

All eyes were on him now that he had turned the lights on. There was really only one way to solve this, because the reason this whole fight was happening was obvious. It was going to happen whether they wanted it to happen or not, because this sure as hell wasn’t going to be the rest of his life. They were going to settle this once and for all, like men.

“Alright, whip ‘em out.” He stated flatly.

“What are you talking about?” Sanji asked, judging by both the look in his eye and the tone of his voice, he knew exactly what he was talking about.

“Your dicks. Whip ‘em out so we can measure them and you two can go on with your lives.” He said, going to one of the side drawers to get a ruler for the job.

“Wh-I-That’s disgusting! I’d never do anything li-Oh my god Zoro what the hell?!” The cook screeched. Sounded like Zoro wasn’t as ashamed of what he was packin as he had previously thought. The same could apparently not be said about the guys here.

“What’s the big deal? We’ve all bathed together, it’s not like we haven’t already seen them.” Luffy pointed out to the mortified Sanji sitting on the bunk below him.

“This is different! This isn’t even remotely the same, but I couldn’t expect you to understand because you and the Mosshead were both born without shame!” Sanji said, giving the rubber man a look that would give anyone who wasn’t on their crew and used to looks like that chills down their spine and make them genuinely fear for their lives. Luffy didn’t seem phased in the least by the look. Instead the captain chose to jump down out of his bunk to join them. Usopp and Chopper had been forced down to join them by Luffy’s inescapable rubber grasp. Brook had been lucky enough to be able to avoid this whole mess by being in the crow’s nest on watch, the lucky bastard. Sanji didn’t seemed too pleased with this development.

“It won’t take that long. Just do it and get it done with.” Franky stated, walking back with the ruler, handing it to Sanji before sitting down on his bunk. “Clearly this is what you two wanted. You’ve basically been doing it all day, so you might as well just do it this way and decide the winner once and for all so we can get to sleep.”

“I am not telling you how big my dick is. What is wrong with you?” He asked rhetorically, obviously not pleased with this evening’s turn of events.

“We could all do it if that makes you feel better.” Luffy said, already in the process of undoing the button on the shorts that he’d been wearing since at least that morning. Maybe this could also be a good chance to switch out his shorts because who honestly knew when the last time he actually changed them was.

“That doesn’t solve anything!”

“Well if all our dicks are out, it’ll be like none of our dicks are out.”

“You do know that they’re not going to shut up about this until you actually do it, right? Unless you’re willing to admit that you’d lose if we did and you’re too chicken to admit it.” Zoro taunted. He couldn’t tell if that hurt or helped the situation at hand.

“Alright fine! You perverts really want to know!? Then fine! I’ll do it.” Sanji huffed angrily, knowing damn well that Zoro had a point and refusing to admit defeat so easily.

“We might as well all do it. It’s going to be weird if it’s just us standing around you two measure yourselves. Because you’ve both made it clear that you’re not going to let us sleep until you finally figure out who’s the bigger one between you two.” Usopp stated. This whole mess seemed to quickly be getting out of hand, but there wasn’t even anything he could do to stop it at this point.

“How the hell is that fair if we’re comparing everyone in this room’s dicks?! Luffy can stretch and Franky has probably made some sort of modification to himself so he’s dick is bigger. I can only assume that you’ll find a way to cheat and make yours look bigger than it actually is! Chopper has seven different forms to choose from and that’s not fair at all!” Sanji protested.

“So you just want to know how big Zoro’s dick is?” Franky pointed out. The snickering was matched by only the embarrassment radiating from the chef, who ran his fingers through his bangs, leaving his face covered by his arms as he screamed into his sleeves. “And for the record, I have four sized. I have small, medium, large, and supersized. I change it for my partner at the time’s preference.”

“Oh my god! Fine! Whatever, but we’re setting rules to this stupid contest. It’s going to be a shit show if we don’t.” Sanji said, haven given up on any notion of this whole mess being ignored in the favor of sleep. “First, we’re going to do base to tip, any objections?” He looked around the room, and after a few moments of silence, he carried on. “Second, no using devil fruit powers to make you dick seem bigger than it is.” He looked over at Luffy and Chopper, getting a shrug from Luffy and a nervous nod from the doctor. “And lastly, I think Franky should stick with medium so it’s fair for all of us because none of us have robocock’s but him and it’s unfair that he could use it to his advantage.” He said, crossing his arms.

“It’s also unfair that my dick was part of me that was mangled when I was hit by a seatrain, but I guess I’ll agree to your terms.”

“Can we hurry this up? I’ve been waiting for the past ten minutes. I’d kinda like to go to sleep at some point tonight.” The swordsman, who had been ready since the beginning of this conversation, asked.

“I just wanted to set some ground rules so that this wasn’t complete bullshit. Just hand me the damn ruler.”

The ruler was passed throughout the room. Everyone took their turns with it, and everyone made sure that the one with the ruler was doing following the rules just as they had to. Sanji’s and Zoro’s results were the most important, seeing as though they were the whole reason for this mess. In order they went, Franky, Sanji, Usopp, Luffy, and Zoro. From smallest to largest so far, it went, Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, Franky, and finally Usopp. With the realization that Zoro was smaller than Sanji had made everything come to a screeching halt.

“So… This whole time I was the bigger one.” A smug look crossed the cook’s face. The look on the swordsman’s face was far from amused.

“No, you’re is longer. Mine has more girth and that’s what really matters.”

“Sounds like something someone with a small dick would say. Don’t feel too bad though, mosshead. Just think about how big yours would have been if most of it hadn’t gone into your personality.” This was enough for physical violence to break out. He had hoped that just knowing would be enough to have this all settled, but it seemed that really wasn’t the case.

“Don’t fight until we’ve all had a turn, Chopper still hasn’t gone yet.” Luffy pointed out, not wanting anyone to be left out of this super awkward event.

“Are you really sure I should?” Chopper asked nervously.

“Yeah of course. We all did it so you should to.”

“Well okay, if you insist.”

\------------------------------------------------

It seemed as though the boys were as rowdy as ever tonight. Had it been during the day, and not while she was trying to sleep, Robin would have let this slide. Whatever they were doing, it sure had managed to get a good reaction from all of them, as she could clearly hear every bit of their startled yelling and disgusted pleas that consisted solely of “put it away, oh god”. It seemed as though she would have to go remind them of what time it was before Nami did it for her. Nami would be far kinder than she was going to be, and really this was going to be the only way that they’d learn.

She left the room and went down to the boy’s cabin. What she saw when she opened the door was something that she hadn’t really had anticipated seeing. With the door now open, it seemed that everyone in the room, safe Luffy, had had the decency to cover themselves. The speed of which they did varied, with Sanji being by far the fastest. But the fact that they had all been exposing themselves moments ago and the ruler that was very clearly on one of their beds was all the proof that she needed to figure out exactly what was going on. It was like they were all children.

“If you really must know, out of all the humans, Luffy is the smallest, Usopp’s is the biggest naturally, Sanji’s is longer than Zoro’s, but Zoro’s has far more girth than Sanji’s. Now that this has been settled. I suggest you go to sleep, or else you aren’t going to like what happens next.” Before they could even ask how she knew, hands had bloomed from their thighs. In record breaking time, the men were in their beds and under the covers. The hands disappeared and she turned to leave the room.

“That’s better. Now I had better not hear another peep out of this room until morning, or else I will make good on that threat. Now good night.”

“Good night, Robin.” All they guys said in near perfect unison. She smiled as she closed the door behind her. Damn, it felt good to be the queen.


End file.
